I'd like to be a liberal because then I'd be rewarded for all my shortcomings and
I'd be an important cog in the wheel of social justice, and a cherished warrior in the current fight for equality....
- I'd like to be a liberal because it's ever so much easier to allow others to form my opinions for me instead of researching an issue myself.
I'd like to be a liberal because any guilt I would normally feel for what used to be considered deviant,
I want to be a liberal because they care so much.
And as long as my intentions were pure and I 'care',
- They have a lock on all the fashionable emotions, like tolerance, diversity, equality and patriotism.
I'd like to be a liberal because everyone knows that conservatives are racist, homophobic, stupid and, well, beneath contempt. Conservatives are motivated by -- gasp -- profit, instead of being nice. Enough said. I could turn failure into success, murder into choice, lies into 'misstatements', and theft into investment.
Best of all, I could make up the rules as I go along, change them in midstream and then
It's great to be a liberal because everyone knows they hold the moral high ground. They don't lie, cheat or steal. Oh, and they don't condone torture.
Before I am able to join this community of man, however, there are a few ground rules:
- I have to acknowledge that government is the best and only solution for any problems America has.
- Despite the fact that pretty much every government solution to date has been a disaster.
- I must agree that America is bad and white Christian males are responsible for all that is wrong with the world.
Even though decades of dialogue haven't worked, things are different, now that Obama is president. I must have faith.
- Oh, and I must acknowledge that dialogue is better than war.
- I'd, of course, be expected to not only condone, but happily embrace gay marriage and the long list of newly minted sexual behaviors, and swear to never mention the adverse health risks or the proven harm they do to traditional families.
- I'd also have to quit judging people. (Except conservatives.)...
I'd have to immediately quit smoking, in public at least.
I'd also have to renounce Christianity in favor of Mother Earth and believe
and that liberals know best. Always. And lastly, I'd have to support the notion that racism is still rampant, even if it is the silent 'institutional' type.
- that the Constitution is a 'living instrument'.
And as long as I remain a liberal, no-one is allowed to insult me. How cool is that?
- I'll be eligible for the right to housing, health care, a living wage (even if I don't work) and happiness.
Best of all, I'll be able to atone for my sins by merely
Then, I would live happily ever after. Isn't that worth sacrificing such ethereal and frivolous notions like
"I Wish I were a Liberal," by Nancy Morgan, via Lucianne.com
- I'll finally get my columns published in my own hometown paper and would have a good chance of getting face time on MSNBC.